Saturday, October 30, 2004

Fun Time : Jerk Series #8

Its Halloween time and a few kids from the neighbourhood visit Jerk. The door opens and the kids are absolutely scared upon seeing Jerk.

Jerk spontaneously thanks the kids for visiting and says he's not actually dressed up as an imp and he just happens to look like one naturally because of the dense hairgrowth on his face and impish features. The kids dont believe him and are certain now that they were talking to a manifestation of evil. One of them forces the 'spirit' to eat some dog biscuits which an angered neighboured had given him and then the kids leave all their accumulated candy for the spirit to consume.

Jerk felt a slight bulge on his rear end as he sensed the onset of his tail and heads over to a nearby pole.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Fun Time : Jerk Series #7

Simplicity in Complexity? or Complexity in Simplicity?

Vox Populi: Do you know what Jerk does in his busiest best?
SBert: Of course! Will be proudly educating people about complex scientific
things like ..a file when deleted from the windows recycle bin will not immediately
increase the Office Recycled Paper Stationery, there is no scientific proof that prolonged periods of brain inactivity can result in increased beard density
a computer need not weigh more if it had lots of data in it, etc..

Fun Time : Jerk Series #6

SBert: Do you know the capacity of the shared hard drive?
ThatsWhatIAmToldBert: My speculation at this point in time is it is 4 GB...but Understand Sir, the assumption is that 4 GB does not exactly mean 4 GB. Be aware that for 'very large' values of 4, 4 can be approximated to 5 and for 'very small' values of 4,4 can be approximated to 3. If you really think it is more that 4 GB, let me know and I will take the information to the right magnetic tape heads. You could probably sit in a corner of your office and contemplate while the magnetic heads speculate reading that content.

Fun Time : Jerk Series #5

With the recent organizational announcements, Mr.ohmygodBert 's email signature file will now be:

Manager - Packaging & Distribution,
Joint Advisor - Shipping,
Team Systems Lead for Maintenance 'Systems',
Technology Specialist - Aerodynamic Boxes for SnailMail Drop,
Supplier Manager for Invisible Rivettes for the state-of-the-art cardboard
boxes (With an additional responsibility to calculate the eccentricity factor of my employees),
Husband of my wife,
Father of my children,
Founder of IPOPC (Institute of Paranoidal Occupationosis for Primordial Caribous)
Member of ISCO (International Society of Confirmed OpusSychoNonsEncephaloNeurosis).

Fun Time : Jerk Series #4

Deer Hunting Season special..
Jerk goes for deer hunting and a deer comes by..
Jerk : Hello Dear Deer Sir, I'm told this is the last day of the deer hunting season Sir and I must say it is really unlucky of you at this point in time to have approached me. Now, the decibel level accompanying my gunshot might resonate with the
verizon mid-frequency range and destabilize my cell phone before I get any
venison from you. I'd appreciate if you could give me a few seconds until I
shield my cell phone by hiding it in my beard ...

The deer leaps upto Jerk, grabs the gun and shoots himself - and dies happily.

Like they say, sometimes, suicide is better.

Fun Time : Jerk Series #3

Jerk : with Respected Her Excellency Ms. MustBeRespectedNoMatterWhatBert regarding
movement of trash bins by Delta X. So, I would like to request you all to
send a note to me stating that hereafter you will be dumping trash exactly
into the center of the bin and there will be no spillage, now that its
position coordinates have moved by Delta X.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about this information of very high importance, and feel free to express any concerns regarding this information.
Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to Thank you.
Thanking you,

Fun Time : Jerk Series #2

Jerk* : To insure that the ramifications from the modifications due to the new process are minimal, I have already "rewritten" the code.
SBert : So what do the changes entail?
Jerk : I have modified a comment/message from "Welcome to the
Idiot Module" to "WELCOME to the Idiot Module"
SBert : In an unconnected event, Microsoft has rewritten Windows by packaging
the Windows CD in a cover sealed with a 1/4 inch tape as against a 1/5 inch
tape previously.

New character(s):
SBert - yours truly, the writer.
* - The previous edition had a reference to the gecko evolution of
Jerk. Phylum Reptilia dates back to Dinosaurs courtesy paleontologists. The
theory in this edition attributes the ReXX affinity of Jerk to the gecko
-> Reptilia -> Dinosaur family -> T-Rex -> ReXX

(ReXX is an ancient scripting language from the legacy days of mainframe computing. That is the only competency of Jerk. However, with just that Jerk would believe Microsoft Windows could be rewritten using ReXX)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Fun Time : Jerk Series #1

Theme : With increasing use of technology and the eminence of a litigative society, people that we come across in all walks of life are always more intent on securing themselves rather than focusing on what is to be said. The current age has made most people cover their rear ends with multiple layers before taking a stand.

Everything has a disclaimer and sentences that start with 'Do not quote me on this, but..' or 'I am not too sure if I am right, but..' are the order of the day. That has affected many people like me to a great extent, often struggling to obtain direct answers to even simple questions from people at work or otherwise. Worst of all, some people think that not-being-to-the-point is actually diplomatic! That is the theme of this comic series. Enjoy and you'll be surprised to see the prevalence of such verbose,concentric and eccentric expositions in your day to day lives. My God Scott Adams fittingly came up with the concept of In(Duh)viduals.

Intro to characters

Jerk- The bearded stellar and computer geeeeek with an external
configuration of a pre-historic gecko amidst pine trees
IApologizeForTheInterruptionBert - Even if you are talking to your
CEO, this Bert will wait at your office like an expectant father to
recursively talk for atleast 10 minutes. All this to ask a simple question like
'Is your computer running? Sir'
ThatsWhatIThotBert - Even though this character may have it ALL
wrong, will claim this in an inimitable way
HaHaHaHaBert - The one with the most charming laugh
MightVeryWellBeBert - The 'cover-my-*****' Bert
WeAreToldBert - The Disclaimer Bert....disclaims to the extend that
if you ask the name - might very well give a 'short' answer as "Most probably, my name is John Doe, is what I am told, again, just for your information, my name is continuously changing TOO fast in time, I'd be able to give a better update on my actual name in another two business days (Talking about timeframes, I apologize if I sounded like a Manager....HaHaHaHaBert takes over). If you have any
questions or concerns regarding this information please contact me at
this Bert Address."
AtThisPointInTimeBert - The Bert that JUST DOES NOT believe in
the Past or the Future.
IAppreciateItBert - An appreciation freak by the strictest meaning of the word is an understatement. This Bert will thank the carpet for taking
your weight.
ThankYouSirBert - Will thank you for thanking him.
HelloSirBert will figure in the first scene of every Edwartoon...and
ThankYouSirBert / ThankYouMa'mBert will be in the last scene.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Will BCCI learn from Cricket Australia?

Look at Cricket Australia and look at how they work as a unit. I am not talking about the teams, about the administration. And compare them to the BCCI. The body is in shambles and the administration is a disgrace now. All starting from A C Muthiah, Jagmohan Dalmiya, Sharad Pawar and RS Mahendra are equally responsible. The problem is actually not lack of leadership this time around, its the overdose of it, atleast the offering side of it.

Indian cricket certainly owes a lot fo JagMohan Dalmiya for what he has done to the game, its popularity and to the selection process over these years. But, its certainly time to let the successors take over the administration of this game in India. On the contrary, he wants to continue to boss over the cricket administration and hold the game down securely like Ganesha does his mouse. It is a shame if you look at the elections game he played in preventing the Maharashtra members from voting for Sharad Pawar. All respect to Pawar for not making a big deal out of it and being generous enough to continue to support the game.

BCCI will be served well by taking a few leaves from the books of Cricket Australia. BCCI needs patrons of the game, not administrators who just want power. Not administrators who have a lobby behind them with vested interests. More retired cricketers, who have played the game and are passionate about it, should try and get into adminstration. Kiran More is a great example. Look at the Board of Directors and the Executives of Cricket Australia. You'd find numerous past cricketers.

Dalmiya must feel ashamed to even ask that a new position be created to accommodate him as a honorary member. Mr.Dalmiya, Honor SHOULD BE GIVEN to you, it is not something that you ASK FOR. Just the basics of sociology.

Hopefully cricketers of our current times take some interest in administration and sometime in the future there will be a prerequisite for a BCCI administrator to have been actively associated with the game at the state level as a player or as an administrator for atleast three years.

Jayalalitha's Interview by Karan Thapar - BBC

Well, So much has been said about how a minister of a state could exercise such poor judgement and diplomacy to the press following the interview

We must remember GIGO(GarbageInGarbageOut). The questions that Karan Thapar had were ridiculous and stupid to begin with. Besides, as an anchor, the guy lacked the ability to take control of the interview. Jaya is absolutely right in her claims that his questions started with 'The Press' and 'The Media'. Who cares what the Press says? As an interviewer has he done his own ground-work and analyses? To conduct an interview diplomatically, the anchor has to be good to begin with. Given the nature and the pace of his questions, any self-respecting diplomat on TV would have been atleast as defensive as Jaya. And he tops it all with his leading questions. Come on Mr.Thapar, please get back to school or atleast for a brief sojourn to a Mass Communications program. The only credit to Mr.Thapar is the way he made Jaya defeat herself on the issues of Sonia and Karunanidhi. But even that, is her own undoing, not so much his adroitness.

BBC has to take a HardLook first before their next HardTalk show as to who hosts it and how it is done.

Having said that, the greatest surprise is how Tamil Nadu's economy has still not gone to the dogs, with such leaders at the fore who are incompetent beyond doubt. It is a shame to see a CM say things like 'You are reading from the notes'. She does not have the maturity or poise to continue her line of thought without another diatribe.

I wish movies like Ayudha Ezhuthu and Ramana get translated to reality. And I wish a higher percentage of the educated electorate turns up to vote in TamilNadu and I wish Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha be sent on an exile to say Papua New Guinea and put in one room under house arrest.